The Wet Food Hustle

Written by Freeda Katlo

Hus’-tle

verb – To obtain by forceful action or persuasion.

noun – A swindle.

Normally I like to keep my blog posts short and sweet, but since I am speaking upon the staggeringly enormous Katzenworld platform, I decided to choose a topic that I have a wealth of personal experience to draw from. I hope it will help the cause of my fellow felines.

My name is Freeda Katlo, and it is true that I was named after an artist. This is only because my Keeper is an artist and she admires the human I was named after. I completely deserve and justly own this title of artist with one slight deviation. I am an artist of the con. A cat con artist.

Con Art-ist

noun – Someone who cheats or tricks others by persuading them to believe something that is not true.

Firstly, for all you Keepers out there who may fall into the “rookie” category, let me first make one thing crystal clear:

Cats are carnivores.

Wikipedia (I just checked it) states clearly upfront that a cat is “a small, typically furry, carnivorous mammal.” That’s “CARNIVOROUS” people. Perhaps it’s not the most obvious descriptive feature listed. Allow me to explain…

Car-niv-o-rous

adjective – (Of an animal) feeding on other animals.
synonym – flesh-eating, meat-eating

If I were to describe humans, especially the ones who are given the highest honor of serving felines, I would enter this in the dictionary:

Keep-er

noun – Guardian of felines with paws especially adapted for opening cans, bags, and other containers of meat (a.k.a. wet food).

Some of you Keepers out there are deluded into pretending that we are sweet little harmless vegetarians or something. Especially, you tofu-loving humans… I know, I live with one. I hate to break it to you, but these sharp teeth aren’t just for good looks.

So, enough education, let’s get on to the hustle. Forced by the ineffectiveness of direct communication, I have mastered what I call “The Wet Food Hustle.” Perhaps you have been victim of it without being aware. It starts like this…

Play 1:
Keeper #1 enters the kitchen and opens the refrigerator. Cat pops head into opening immediately.

I have provided a brief (5 second) demonstration on YouTube of what this looks like:

Note to cats: I have learned from past experience that eye contact is essential to reduce the risk of having the door closed on your head.

Keeper realizes that it is “time” for the wet food and delivers a spoonful to the bowl. Bravo! Food is promptly devoured in approximately 2.3 seconds. That is the easy one.

Play 2:
A few minutes later, Keeper #2 enters the kitchen.

Note to cats: This maneuver has greater success when Keeper #1 is effectively distracted. (Tip for distraction: knock down a favorite object from a shelf, you know the right one).

While Keeper #1 is preoccupied and Keeper #2 is still in the kitchen, rub on Keeper #2’s leg and give him a soulful and pitiful look. Repeat refrigerator door maneuver if provided the opportunity. Keep vocals to a minimum volume. If Keeper #2 starts asking questions of Keeper #1 you may have a problem. The key is to appear desperate and hungry, but in a casual way, as if all is normal and it’s just “that time.” If all goes well, Keeper #2 plops a second heaping spoonful of wet food into the bowl without asking questions. Devour upon impact.

Note to cats: You have a 50/50 chance here that all will go as planned. Be prepared to abort and try again later over the possibility of Keeper #2 communicating with Keeper #1. That is the kiss of death, my friends.

Bonus Play:
Keeper’s child enters the kitchen. Give child the large-eye look, similar to the one from “Puss in Boots” DreamWorks Animated Movie. The child knows this signal well. It is 100% irresistible. Again, you are sure to succeed as long as there is no communication with Keeper #1.

Some of you Keepers out there who are reading this may be asking at this point, “If she wants the cats to succeed, why is she revealing the nuances of the hustle?”

My answer is this: Oh, humans, you have so much to learn about the many clever ways of the cat. Please understand the art of the con is about adaptation, flexibility, and the element of surprise. If you believe you are being conned, beat them to it and simply deliver more wet food. If you feel shame for forcing your dear furry companion into a lifestyle of swindling and manipulation in order to communicate basic needs, show some compassion, deliver more wet food. Tired of finding a half eaten lizard in your shoe? It’s definitely time to supply more wet food. If you believe you are impervious to being conned, (purrrrr) think again… think – a – gain.

About Freeda Katlo:

Freeda started her journey on the streets of Las Vegas. Alone and destitute, and frankly kind of okay with the alone part, she turned to creative expression therapy via blogging after being adopted by her enabling Keeper. www.freedakatlo.wordpress.com